Christmas is fast approaching and with it the end of another year. I’ve extensively researched the field of Astrology to bring you my horoscope forecasts for 2015. I hope they will provide you with some fascinating insights into your character, as well as preparing you for what lies ahead upon the astrological plane. This is part two, for part one go here
Sagittarius – The Archer | November 22nd to December 21st
Your star sign features the Centaur. Centaurs were wild, drunken, uncultured, mythical creatures; but far be it from us to suggest that all Sagittarians are a bunch of uncouth layabouts. Just because you can’t remember why you woke up this morning with a lampshade on your head, clutching a copy of ‘How to speak Wookiee – A manual for inter-galactic communication’ does not mean in any way, shape, or form, that you are not as cultured as the rest of us. During 2015 Mercury and Pluto will become very good friends, which will result in Sagittarians everywhere embarking on a Cultural voyage of discovery. This will involve exciting, adrenalin filled trips to art galleries, museums, the theatre, the opera; even the ballet, and you will join an actual book club. To get you started we suggest purchasing this year’s Booker prize winning book (this may be difficult, as the first rule of Culture is that nobody knows who won the Booker prize.)
Taurus – The Bull | April 20th to May 20th
Taureans rarely work in china shops, and the colour red seems to bring out the worst in you. 2015 will see you yearn to be more nimble on your feet, and less like the proverbial bull in a china shop. To this end you will decide to begin ballroom dancing lessons, as a present to yourself on your next birthday. All planetary aspects suggest a successful outcome to this endeavour, so much so that it will take no time at all for you to become a professional dancer. This career change will see you taking part in next year’s ‘Strictly’, where you will fall in love with your celebrity partner, ditch your existing partner and suffer a highly embarrassing wardrobe malfunction, whilst performing the splits.
Cancer – The Crab | June 22nd to July 22nd
Being of a reticent disposition, it takes you some time to come out of your shell and, when inebriated, you have a tendency to walk sideways. The mighty Saturn, with its beautiful rings, will heavily influence your constellation during the coming year. You will be involved in a very minor collision on the ring road in Ringwood, which will result in you, and the other driver, falling in love at first sight. After discovering that you both have a fascination with The Lord of the Rings, you will elope to New Zealand, where you will marry outside Bilbo’s house, each wearing an exact copy of the One Ring. On returning home you will sign up to a course allowing you to become professional clowns, and take up a life together in the circus ring.
Pisces – The Fish | February 19th to March 20th
January 2015 will see you temporarily flounder, as many obstacles appear to get in the way of your dreams. We’re not going to be koi about this, it will do you no good to grunt and carp about the situation, so we advise that you stop feeling like a fish out of water and do something about it. We promise that if you let the scales fall from your eyes, then all will become clear and you will soon be having a whale of a time. Neptune is set to rise in your chart and will bring all kinds of good luck. You will no longer have to go fishing for compliments, as people will see you for the starfish you really are.
Gemini – The Twins | May 21st to June 21st
The moon will be in Gemini early 2015, which means a lot of mooning about for you with regards to your love life. Your twin/dual personality means that you can be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character, making it very difficult for your loved one to work out who they’re having that romantic dinner with. One minute you’re all smiles, as you lean across the table and the strategically placed red rose, the next you’re throwing food at the waiter and hanging from the light fittings. This inner conflict between good/evil will sadly end your relationship. The moon, however, will soon leave Gemini, and it will dawn on you that perhaps now is the time to find a good psychotherapist. The good news is that your chosen therapist will bring you closure and inner peace, as he/she confidently asserts that you can blame everything on your mother.
Virgo – The Virgin | August 23rd to September 22nd
As the most virtuous of the zodiac signs, 2015 will be the year that you finally shed your image as the shy, quiet one, with their modesty still intact. Mischievous Mercury will be rising in Virgo and, for a couple of days during February, you will find yourself drawn to the local raunchy night spots, becoming quite the party animal. It’ll be rum cokes and pina coladas all the way, as you gyrate suggestively on the dance floor. Your Facebook will be littered with grainy shots of you, and your army of newfound drinking pals, gesturing inappropriately at your phone cameras, and waving pints of lager above your sozzled heads. Great fun will be had by all, until Mercury disappears and you wake up with the worst hangover on the planet, to find that you’re no longer a Virgo – this is because you were on the cusp with Leo.