Christmas is fast approaching and with it the end of another year. I’ve extensively researched the field of Astrology to bring you my horoscope forecasts for 2015. I hope they will provide you with some fascinating insights into your character, as well as preparing you for what lies ahead upon the astrological plane. If your sign does not appear in part one of my celestial musings, then rest assured, your destiny will be revealed in part two.
Capricorn – The Sea Goat | December 22nd – January 19th
You are most at home in, or on, the ocean and can often be found climbing very dangerous mountains; preferably those with a vertical rock face. You most likely have a beard (favouring the goatee) and, if female, are probably working as a Nanny. You will eat almost anything, including Pot Noodles, but will think twice if presented with tin cans or cardboard. 2015 is the year when you should begin to listen to your heart. Those stirrings to quit the desk job, and join the Navy, are due to the current conjunction between Uranus and the Sun. This also accounts for that uncomfortable burning sensation every time you sit down, which finally drove you to the doctor last week who, in his ignorance of the importance of planetary alignment, wrongly diagnosed piles. If your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/cat, questions your sudden desire for a life at sea, and you don’t wish to rock the metaphorical boat, then we advise seeking out other sources of your natural habitat. Use every opportunity to take your clothes off and immerse yourself in water, wherever this may be – the lake in the local park or the fountain in the town centre. Ignore that belligerent policeman when he tries to arrest you for public indecency – he’s probably yet to learn the importance of being attuned to his astrological sign. Mountain climbing will also bring peace to your soul in 2015. Don’t let the absence of mountains in your immediate vicinity stop you. Plan to venture up that dauntingly high building across the way from the office. We confidently predict a YouTube sensation, and mass media attention, when you’re interviewed in a full body plaster cast from your hospital bed.
Aquarius – The Water Bearer | January 20th – February 18th
The person carrying the water pitcher in your sign is Hyas, who was killed by wild beasts whilst fetching water from the river. This, of course, explains your abject fear of water and household chores, which is why your partner/mother often feels like causing you serious harm. Recent events have turned your world upside down (and we’re not referring to that drunken walk home from the pub last night when you tripped over the kerb and fell in the gutter.) These events have caused you to see the world in an entirely different way and yet, inexplicably, everything looks exactly the same. A person will become very important to you in 2015. This person could be a man/woman/child. They may be young/middle-aged/old. They will change your perspective on life forever and, unfortunately, this will result in you embracing the world of Scientology, and worshipping Tom Cruise as your personal God (if you’re not doing this already.) Other than that, 2015 is set to be your best year yet.
Scorpio – The Scorpion | October 24th – November 21st
You have a sting in your tail and, what’s more, if your tail becomes detached from your body it’s quite capable of growing back. We’re referring to your metaphorical tail here, of course, unless you’re French, in which case your tail is a euphemism for something we’re certainly not going to go into here, on a respectable website. This sting in your tail means that people don’t often get the better of you. However, in 2015 you will find that people are trying to get the better of you all the time. That woman on the till in the Co-op will become even more passively aggressive during January 2015. She will continue to pass grocery items through the till at an alarming rate, leaving you flustered and bewildered in the face of other shoppers, as you flail around in panic trying to fill your re-usable carrier bags in time. You will then fumble embarrassingly when she demands payment, opening your purse/wallet and spilling loose change everywhere. Your hairdresser will continue to cut your hair in exactly the same style, even though you will say you’d rather like to look like Zooey Deschanel/Brad Pitt. She will explain very patiently, whilst stifling a laugh, that you don’t have the right sort of hair and your nose is in the wrong place. Never fear, round about March, Neptune will be in conjunction with Mars, whereupon you will find the strength to start shopping at Sainsbury instead, and will ask your mum to cut your hair – she thinks you already look like Zooey Deschanel/Brad Pitt.
Aries – The Ram | March 21st – April 19th
Those born under the sign of the Ram often settle arguments by ramming their opponents in the head. This can, and has, led to to a certain amount of ill-feeling within your workplace during 2014. 2015 will see you attempt to put this unpopularity behind you, as you welcome the changes brought about by Mercury’s right angled formation with Pluto. This geometrical, square formation will bring a yearning for spiritual enlightenment and a fascination with corners of all kinds. You will take to eating Muller Corners during your lunch break, and will find yourself mysteriously drawn to sitting at that corner table in the office canteen. Your natural ram-like aggression will be replaced by a willingness to fight your corner, using the rather more acceptable New Age techniques of calm and serenity. You will therefore line your desk with crystals – and pyramids fashioned from office supplies. During your lunch break, you will take up the lotus position on the floor and meditate on your fellow workers’ folly, ignoring their unenlightened cynicism when they trip over you on their way to the staff toilet and report you as a health and safety hazard.
As the new year beckons, the Aries among us will be busy reflecting on the nature of existence. Is each tea leaf, within our tea bags, an individual entity, or is it inextricably linked to the tea bag itself? Are we not like the humble tea leaf – individual entities but inseparably linked to our fellow man? With this thought in mind, 2015 will see your next tea break bringing you closer to that idiot in Accounts.
Libra – The Scales | September 23rd – October 23rd
You are obsessed with balance in all its forms. You always take the balanced point of view in discussions and strive to maintain a healthy work/life balance. You are mysteriously drawn to occupations involving weights and measures. Many Librans can be found in the fields of cookery, weight lifting and leading the local meeting of Weight Watchers. However, 2015 will be a difficult year for Librans everywhere, as events are set to occur which will upset your sense of order and equilibrium. Comet Henry is set to pass through your constellation in July, bringing all kinds of problems in its wake. Unfortunately, this means you will temporarily lose your sense of balance. Walking anywhere will become an absolute nightmare, and you will find yourself clutching on to complete strangers just to stay upright. It will only take one drink at the work social for you to become paralytic, resulting in an unfortunate incident which will ruin your burgeoning relationship with that colleague in tele-marketing. The doctor will tell you that you are suffering the effects of an inner ear disorder, but we will know better. The good news is that comet Henry will only take two days to pass through your constellation (this is less painful than it sounds), in which time you will be feeling much better and can get on with purchasing that much longed for set of bathroom scales.
Leo – The Lion | July 23rd – August 22nd
You are the King of your own particular jungle. Leos everywhere exhibit an enviable prowess in the home and the workplace. In August 2015, Mars will be in opposition to Venus. This conjunction is notorious for making even the most level headed of us lose our senses – you will be no exception to this rule. Round about the 5th of August you will begin to find that your working life fills you with a strange ennui. Your leader of the pack mentality will come to the fore. You will suddenly up sticks, move to America and join the Hell’s Angels. This will cause grave distress to your next of kin. After spending a stressful month with your biking comrades, you will realise that the desk job wasn’t so bad after all and, after a change of identity involving extensive plastic surgery, will hightail it back to the UK, where your next of kin will, unfortunately, no longer recognise you.
If you wish to avoid this rather depressing scenario, then we advise phoning in sick at the beginning of August and hiding in your room, until Mars and Venus are no longer in alignment. Ignore all pleas from your family that you should see a psychiatrist, but do log on to job search websites, as your employer’s patience is likely to run out, round about mid-August.