There are a few tele-visual events which make me sit there in front of the TV and exclaim: ‘It can’t be that time of year again can it!’  –  these being, Wimbledon, I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here!’ (although dropped of my telly radar a bit) and Eurovision.

Anyway, it’s 8 o’clock and I’m watching a procession of very weird Scandinavians dressed in origami and those paper doiley things you used to make at junior school.  Graham Norton is definitely enamoured with the Swedes, for him the Vikings can do no wrong.  Oh, and how lovely, last year’s winner is co-presenting (I wondered where he’d gone since I posted his winning entry last year on yukky Facebook and got absolutely no likes.)  A situation which must have reflected Mans Zelmerlow’s post Eurovision career, being I’ve not seen or heard from him since.

I’m typing this LIVE along with the show, not that you’ll know when I upload it to the blog later.  I’m going to attempt to stick out the full three and a half hours (never managed it) and predict the winner.

Song No.1 Belgium:  Opening with a very Queen-like ‘Another one bites the dust’ rhythm section and is instantly forgettable.

Song No. 2 Czech republic:  Another costume which appears to be made from paper.  Lovely but forgettable.  Graham tells us song No. 2 has never won – so he just jinxed the whole shebang and guaranteed that song No. 2 will win.

Song No. 3 The Netherlands:  Nice clock, the clock is going to be the best thing about song no. 3 and I’d like to erase the image of the young lad who just mouthed that he loved me into the camera.

Song no. 4 Azerbaijan:  The light show is doing nothing for my poor, confused brain and the song is AWFUL.

Song No. 5 Hungary:  The drummer is mesmerising.

Song No. 6 Italy:  She’s singing in a foreign language which is always a mistake; hang on a minute, she’s rectified the mistake and has broken into English which, as everybody knows, is the only language worth knowing.  And she’s messed it up again – back to Italian.

Song No. 7 Israel:  Phew English.  Michael Jackson gloves.  Prince-type hair.  Boy George face – he’s a sort of 80’s nightmare but good voice and now Cirque du Soleil have appeared.

Song No. 8 Bulgaria:  Graham is telling me this song contains strobe lighting and flash effects which means I’ll have to turn away at the risk of my brain exploding.  Bad singing voice.  I took a peek –another 80’s hair and fashion disaster.  What’s with the 80’s throwbacks?

Song No. 9 Sweden:   Graham is toasting to the memory of Sir Terry Wogan.  Nice, personable young lad.  This song would be BRILLIANT without the Swedish accent – maybe the winner?  Graham has just rated it. Hopefully he’ll get the Teen vote to boost his chances – do Teens watch Eurovision?

Song No. 10 Germany:  Is every song sounding the same to you?  (except No. 9)    She’s channelling Carmen Miranda (you need to be a certain age) and Minnie Mouse methinks.

Song No. 11 France:  He’s singing in French (he’s from France) which is the next best thing to singing in English, as everyone knows.  And now English, and back to French.  Good voice.  He’s very like last year’s winner. This song sounds better in French.  Anyone else feel how useless we Brits are when it comes to bi-lingualism (is that a word?)  These Europeans put us to absolute SHAME.

Song No. 12 Poland:  Don’t like the weirdness – nobody likes a bloke with pre-Raphaelite long hair, nail polish and an army uniform do they? – a long haired Adam Ant – WHY the 80’s resurgence?  Sounds like the sort of thing Dusty Springfield would’ve sung and it’s awful.

Song No. 13 Australia:  Simon and Garfunkels’ Sound of Silence was much, much better.  Should a song about silence be so LOUD?   Graham rates this and her voice – I don’t.

Song No 14   Cyprus:   OMG not only has Graham warned me against extreme flashing lights, there’s a warning on the screen.  Time for a cup of coffee.

Song no. 15 Serbia:  It’s Morticia.  Emotional and very scary face at the end.

Song No. 16 Lithuania:  Nice piano, a piano is always GOOD.  Another unfortunate 80’s jacket and hair.  No, don’t like it, should have stuck with the nice piano.

Song No. 17 Croatia:    Graham tells me Justin Timberlake is going to grace us with his presence – will he cut the mustard in amongst all these EU singers.  Are we chucked out of Eurovision if we leave the EU?  A sort of weird over-sized Japanese kimono thing.  Some flat notes in there. This is TERRIBLE.  But again, it kind of sounds like all the others (except No. 9)

Song No. 18 Russia: Graham has compared the staging to old Mans’ last year (which was BRILLIANT.)  Song is forgettable.  Computer animation rocks doesn’t it?   And, oddly, he appears to be standing on a rock. Graham thinks this is the winner – surely not?

Song No. 19 Spain:  Another revolting 80’s hairdo.  Rubbish song.  Just noticed she’s wearing Doc Martens.  Not a good look.  Now Graham thinks THIS is the winner – Oh, I do hope not.  (No. 9, No. 9 even if I now can’t remember you No. 9.)

Song No. 20 Latvia:  Better hair, but still a bit of an 80’s quiff.  Good voice, not very good mover.  Forgettable song.  (In fact I’ve forgotten every single song so far, except No. 9.)  I wonder what Justin will sing.  Will we recognise Justin’s global star quality, or will he come over like a US version of a crappy Eurovision singer?

Song No. 21 Ukraine:  Politics – Ukraine not liking Russia very much. She looks like she’s crying.  This is not a pop song.  The sort of thing Kate Bush would do if she was Ukrainian that is.  Belongs in the theatre – good voice – strange Eurovision moment.

Song No. 22 Malta:  Not worth commenting on and I’m getting t-i-r-e-d.

Song No. 23 Georgia:  I know a Georgia.  Strobing of unprecedented levels Graham warns me.  Dare I look?   The husband has just joined me.  Bloody hell, he’s saying, look at those lights.

Song No.24 Austria:  She’s not singing in English – mistake.  Lovely dress though, lovely hair – no whiff of the 80’s anyway. The husband has just informed me that she’s singing in French (I missed this.)  The husband doesn’t speak French so I’m amazed at his sudden knowledge.  Apparently Graham told him.

Song No. 25 United Kingdom: First time hearing this. They look about 12. This is OK.  Bit like No. 9.  Nice key changes, nice harmonies, good hooks.  It’s G-0-0-D. But will they vote for us, considering BREXIT

Song No. 26 Armenia:  YUKK.

Ian McKellan and Derek Jacobi sitting on the settee – just like me.  I saw Derek Jacobi on stage in Hamlet circa 1976 (school trip)

The husband briefly fell asleep and just awoke to the sounds of song No. 2, ‘Oh Dear’ was his comment.  Where is Justin T?  I’m very tired.

And here’s J-U-S-T-I-N.  He seems a bit nervous, which you would be as an American in the weirdo world of Eurovision.  The woman presenter has just asked that we ‘get concentrated’ – as in a famous brand of fruit juice?  Still, she’s doing far better than your average non-bilingual Brit.

Song No. 27 America: Justin Timberlake. He’s got many more backing singers than the EU lot. Did he not say he’d be singing a new song – these sound like old hits to me. Good mover, a bit George Michael (never noticed that before), a bit 80’s (again), is he better than the Eurovision lot?  Would he get your vote?

That’s me done.  Too much noise, too many lights.

I want No. 9 or the UK (Yaay!)

Goodnight.