You could cook a couple of eggs and maybe a rasher of bacon right now on this precious stone set in the silver sea. It’s hot. The ambient temperature was 25°C yesterday and expected to rise to 30° plus today. The Met Office has issued a level 2 ‘alert and readiness’ warning, regarding the current heatwave, which technically began yesterday at 1200 hrs and will end tomorrow at 0600 hrs. However, due to the severity of the situation, the Met office today decided to hand things over to the other Met office, into the capable hands of Detective Jobsworthy from Scotland Yard, who issued a statement this morning:
“Good morning everyone. The Met Office contacted me today to ask if the Beat could perhaps put some Heat on the Heat. We don’t want to alarm the British public unnecessarily with regard to the current situation, known in these parts as Summer, and would remind people that the criminal at large (known simply as Sol aka ‘The Sun’) usually remains well hidden, only breaking cover in exceptional circumstances. We don’t want to engender wide spread panic but would like the general public to be well informed should they inadvertently come into contact with the Yard’s current public enemy No. 1.
Our police sketch artist has come up with this likeness based on eye witness accounts.
We think this is a pretty accurate representation although ‘The Sun’ has been known to adopt a disguise at times, usually in the form of a hat, and may also look something like this:
Fortunately our people on the ground have discovered ‘The Sun’s’ whereabouts – he’s currently hanging out in the Sky – our sketch artist has also provided a pretty accurate representation of said Sky:
Should you come across this villain it is very important that you do not try to take matters into your own hands. We advise that you retreat back to the safety of your own home immediately where you should close all windows, pull all curtains and blinds and set any emergency fans (if you have them) to a near gale force setting. Move as little as possible in order to conserve energy and imbibe roughly 3 litres of water, making sure you’re within easy reach of a loo. Should these precautions fail we advise getting in a cold bath and staying there, regularly splashing yourself with water and maybe topping up with a bucket of ice cubes. It’s important to stay tuned to the weather forecast via the radio or Met Office website (not in the bath of course as this poses another deadly risk – that of electrocution). The fridge is another option and we advise sticking your head in the cooler section (NB not in the deep freeze, we’re looking to avoid heat stroke here rather than inducing a case of hypothermia) and staying there until the level 2 warning is lifted.
Should you be unable to return home then we advise the purchase of an emergency heatwave kit, which should be carried on your person at all times. This should include:
An emergency parasol (an item not widely used here in the UK but can be bought online)
An emergency hand held paper fan – more common in the Regency period but doable now
An emergency battery operated fan if you prefer living in the 21st century
An industrial sized tub of Factor 50 sun cream
For the men – an emergency pair of baggy shorts, a questionable hawaiian shirt and open toed sandals and socks
For the women – miniscule skirts and sleeveless tops designed to show off acres of flaccid skin and fat in all the wrong places
A supply of linen hankies to place on your head
A useful phrase book for UK heatwave conditions containing such gems as:
‘hot enough for you is it?’
‘the sun has got his hat on – hip hip hip hooray!’
‘bit sunny today isn’t it’
‘I’m sweating like a pig’
‘It’s a scorcher!’
We hope these measures will keep everyone safe and sound during these trying times.
Meanwhile we advise keeping your chin up, maintaining a stiff upper lip and remembering Dunkirk.
Don’t let the blighter win.