One of my tiny band of Facebook brothers (and sisters) recently commented on a friend’s particularly striking selfie photo. The comment read: ‘hair on point, outfit goals, totes on fleek’.   Mystified I turned to the internet for an explanation and discovered a whole new foreign language – so, welcome to the world of Teen Slang.

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Hey ‘sup?  How’s it goin’.  Same old same old here – bangin’ walk yesterday though with my mains and the dog (#ahhcutepuppy).  Yeah I know walkin’s real basic but I got to see some brillz trees and stuff so it was all like pretty rad.  ‘Sides you gotta get out there, see the world and such ‘cos YOLO if you know what I mean.  Made us real fungry though so we got some McD’s and one of my aces was wearing a baseball cap even – ‘Merica!

Bin feelin’ like I need a vacay #ASAP.  Routine’s bin gettin’ to me lately, bin gettin’ kinda snatchy, like people around here ain’t giving me the props for the work I do, ya dig? (#shovel).  Some peeps can be so ratchet, they’re makin’ me feel like a noob.  Still, I well f*cked up the other day durin’ the daily grind (#boringashell) –  slagged off some bonehead, AKA looo-serrr!, at work via text and accidentally sent the dweeb the text – OMG! I can be a real hot mess sometimes so it’s pretty much my bad.

Met my BFF K down the pub after, hopin’ she’d give me all the deets ‘cos that gurl can really banter (#gossip.)  We was goin’ to an Ed Sheeran (#ginger) concert.  I’d bin workin’ all day and needed to like moss (#notkate), you know? K was lookin’ totes glam and her eyebrows were way on fleek ‘cept she’d a fake tan like she’d just rolled around in a tub of wotsits (#orange) – just sayin’.  Me, I was like norm core as usual.  K showed me a pic of her new BF on her cell – OMG! he was swole and well peng, I can’t even.  She met him catfishin’ online, said they’d bin goin’ out a month, I said Bish Whaa!?  – seriously you din’t like tell me or nuffin’ Oh, and swag money, they’d only got front row seats at the next Katy Perry concert – I’m mad jeal.  K was p*ssed though ‘cos she’d like texted the BF earlier and he hadn’t replied – total R-bomb.   Some guy was clockin’ us from across the room and I could tell he was cray-cray ‘cos I got serious craydar, so we moved. Anyway I stood up and spilt my coke down my totes favourite dress (#epicfail.)  K slipped on the coke and fell right on her arse (#bigbutt) – fo’reals! – OMG! LOL! I was cryin’.

Anyways we was turned up to see Ed Sheeran and headed out to get our ride for the show.  IKYN Ed was off the chain and K got twerking in the aisle, she looked mad chill, though some w*nker told her to move her fat arse ‘cos he couldn’t see – jokes!  K said  ‘WTF ‘K whatever’ and that the tool should look in the mirror ‘cos he was busted.  I took a selfie of us a la duckface and some fugly biddie behind us got her butterface in the photo ( #photobombed.)  Still it was a pretty crunk night.  We had to bounce to catch our ride but just missed the bus – thanks Obama!  I forgot to say K had a new bag, it was sick (#vomit) – I want one just like it.

Got home real late and the fam says are you wavey and you’ve not been vaping have you?  OMG! I got chirped real bad and told them I was totes sober see and definitely not turnt up and then D was like totes in my face, he went: “Look here Mother, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.  Your grammar and diction are appalling and as for your surly attitude, well let’s not even go there.  Do remember that we live in Surrey and not chav city, the Bronx, or indeed anywhere inside the United States of America.”

Huh?  Man he was flamed, what a geek.  I went all old school and told him talk to the hand ‘cos the face ain’t listening. Went to bed then emo.

Anyway laters.

(translation probably not required if you’re lucky enough to be under approx. 25 years old.)